All I have is this red and the dirty bedsheet who aren’t actually dirty just tainted by my hair and I need a cowboy kiss and a nice hand and nothing else. Teeth are falling out and I keep my mouth shut to stop them spilling down the drain like I did at parties years ago. I fell in the tub and left my soul there and I cant go back ive been so careless with the parts I should keep like broken dolls. I love things forever not people, I am selfish and not sorry but shame is a house and im always creeping around trying to stay away from the light. Im just waiting until someone opens their guts to me I dont want to see your pretty little heart it wont lift me higher and make soft. I am as vain as I allow and I know the inside of my veins too well like the old man who touched my wrists on the train and made me want to scream and throw myself down. Down down down I cant survive on this little air the balloon is getting smaller with just my pet pet for company. Company is not a word I know well sorry
Happy with red wine as veins and vines that close around the openings of my heart that stop all the air from leaking out. We are suffocating and my vines used to look brighter and full of promise but its rust enters me now and I cant keep covering and cowering my face in it. Ive covered my face for the last and im lying as always because im the master and also the slave and more importantly I dont really have anything important to say so whatever right. I need to give in but not give up all the glasses of my mind are empty and they look like teachers eyeballs and disappointment. We are all disappointment and I want to put the piano back into your inspiration becauee I dont know why you dont talk real anymore all you say is filled with dust and the words of childhood friends who dont know their face from their pointing hands. I cant get enough from anyone and I might be a silly baby for thinking about bridges and wrists but the whole world looks like a twisted motorway inside the ropes of someone who told me I was weird and struggling when I was 12. But I still look 12 but fuck you I dont know im sorry for not wanting to be a part of your films and you look like a dirty old man and everything is the same as dirty flowers thrown in the street and destroyed by your ex fiancee. You dont have stars in your eyes anymore they look like gutter babies because you never really left like I never really left this dirty bed . Feed me touch me please dont leave me here im still screaming all the glasses are empty and you are bendy. I am my own best friend. All the brain waves align themselves with the the man who used to gain energy from the crooked tree in the old graveyard you dismissed as empty and morbid because you coudnt recognise an angel if they screamed directly into your lungs and let you live by dying. Falling out of place like the hair in the tub and the hair that is not allowed, we should keep everything clinging and cosy and I hate myself without its comfort. So happy so happy so unhappy is what I mean and there is no reason, kick me in the lungs and I’ll love your forever and I had no idea I was this tense. I feel like the coiled springs in a piano without the talent and touch. Im sorry im not the right kind of suicide blonde im just a dirty brunette with a bad mouth that has all good intentions I swear at least I think. I dont know what I think and I think you might be the one even though you live in a tree inside a beatle let me join you I wont disappoint in being a disappointment. I want to love the sky forever because the sea has been bad and reminds me of gross animals that live under rocks like the way i want to live like a dysunctional mermaid. No one can lead me to the black harp in the sands sorry but no
I am more than: my relationship status. My job. My age. My sexuality. My degree or lack of. My last name. My appearance. My gender. My sex. My short comings.
I am: rusted thoughts. A bloody tongue. Every city I have breathed in. Every bedroom I have loved in. Piles of words. Twisted metaphors. My thoughts. My actions. My dreams.
And I am not looking to be loved. I am looking to be seen."
total meltdown. everything is very far away and my mind is a bruise & i don’t know what’s up and what’s down and how to stop.
(i feel 14 again & more, even more alone)